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Tonight Mr Thomas really seems to be The Man Who Knows! He knows most of the regulars by name and sits with them for hours, listening to their tales of woe and adding steadily to their liquor bill. Over time, the embezzled amount became half a million dollars. "The time has come to teach your brother a lesson," she told me. " "Yes," I replied, because my brain had been numbed by his insults. I told him I needed it for an offering to Lord Venkateshwara in Tirupathi. 'I must say, this is remarkable,' he says out aloud. Rosie's dad, the doddery bartender Alfred D'Souza, is adept at chatting up patrons. This single malt from Scotland is really good, isn't it? And then she told me that she was a voodoo priestess.' 'Voodoo? Like bringing a dead man to life.' 'You must be joking.' 'No, not at all. She forgot that she was married to the brother of a rich industrialist, not the industrialist himself. Money which I couldn't give her because it didn't belong to me. A contract signed, the advance received and not sent to head office. If he had wanted to, he could have got me arrested by the police. I recounted the incident to Julie and she became incandescent with rage. Then I found the barber he used and bribed him to give me a lock of his hair the next time he had a haircut. So prepare to use one of your Lifeboats.' The signature tune begins. 'We now move on to question number five for fifty thousand rupees. When a government declares a foreign diplomat persona non grata, what does it mean? I live in a corner of Mumbai called Dharavi, in a cramped hundred-square-foot shack which has no natural light or ventilation, with a corrugated metal sheet serving as the roof over my head. Destitute migrants from all over the country jostle with each other for their own handful of sky in Asia's biggest slum. Within two hours I received a call from Mumbai to say that Arvind had had a minor heart attack and had been admitted to Breach Candy Hospital.' 'My God! I poured all my frustration, all my latent resentment against my brother into it. You have just won a hundred thousand rupees, you are now a lakhpati V declares Prem Kumar. 'It's not magic, you idiot,' she tells Prem Kumar on the screen. ' Suddenly her eyes dart down to something lying on the bedroom carpet. Well, think again, because I am neither hawker, nor porter, nor sweeper.
And at times you have to suck in your breath to squeeze through its narrow, claustrophobic alleys. Here, let me pour you a peg from this single malt which we got direct from Scotland.' 'Thank you. I remember going to Mauritius for my honeymoon, to Port Louis, and there I had my first taste of single malt whisky.' 'You were mentioning replacing your brother.' 'Ah yes. But he had to be replaced as MD of Surya Industries because he went mad.' 'Mad? Here's a fresh bowl of cashew nuts.' 'It is a long story.' I use one of Rosie's lines. 'I took the doll to a function where my brother was 166 Q&A 100,000 to receive an award for best entrepreneur. ' 'Yes, I know which are the incorrect answers.' 'You do? The members of the audience begin whispering amongst themselves. I know it is not Port-au-Prince, which is the capital of Haiti, or Port Louis, which is in Mauritius. The porter has been hired by me and the suitcase on his head belongs to me. Colonel Taylor sits with his stubby of Foster's in the living room, watching the latest episode of Spycatcher. He has discovered that his best friend, the one he went to college with, the one who was best man at his wedding, is a Commie spy. Then the bartender tells him, 'It's a dirty world out there, but if no one agrees to do the washing, the whole country goes down the shit house.' Steve Nolan hears this and gets all charged up. 50,000 The next night a police jeep and an Ambassador car with flashing red lights come screeching to the house at ten pm. The city may have chosen to ignore the ugly growth of Dharavi, but a cancer cannot be stopped simply by being declared illegal. I commute daily from Dharavi to Jimmy's Bar and 156 157 Q&A Restaurant. The biggest manufacturer of buttons in India.' 'Buttons? You know, buttons on shirts, pants, coats, skirts, blouses. We make all kinds of buttons from all kinds of materials. 'Arvind went to a doctor, who did an MRI scan and found nothing physically wrong with his head. 'Finally, I took the doll to the annual shareholders' meeting, and sat in the very last row. "And my dear shareholders, I am happy to report that our company's performance in the last quarter represented a significant increase in our gross owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! See.' He takes out an object from his trouser pocket. An ambulance comes with a doctor in a white coat, who pronounces Prakash Rao dead owing to a massive heart attack. They discover a wallet full of banknotes, a picture of a beautiful Indian girl, a sheaf of papers saying 'Divorce'. 'You don't expect me to believe this mumbo-jumbo nonsense, do you? I merely related to you what was told me by Prakash Rao. Mr Thomas, how familiar are you with capital cities? I reckon I will have just enough to take an auto-rickshaw from Sandra Terminus to Salim's chawl in Ghatkopar.